


Eternally Yours

by moonlitkwan



Series: falling for u [10]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a sad ending, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Hanahaki Disease, Hong Jisoo | Joshua & Yoon Jeonghan Are Best Friends, Jealousy, M/M, One-Sided Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan - Freeform, Pining, Sad Ending, Unrequited, Unrequited Love, mentions of blood if that makes you uncomfortable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:55:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27640331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlitkwan/pseuds/moonlitkwan
Summary: And as a smile was forming on Joshua's lips, Jeonghan vowed to keep him safe and happy. For forever and eternity.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua & Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Series: falling for u [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2001655
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Eternally Yours

The first time Jeonghan saw Joshua, he was immediately splashed with an urge to protect and keep the latter from any harm in the so-called chaotic world that they were both living in. The latter was nothing but an innocent little bean that needed to be tucked under Jeonghan's pocket for protection, a small little thing compared to the world and the people that lived on it. Jeonghan was afraid - he was only turning seven - yet for some reason, he bore far more knowledge and intelligence for someone as young as him, and he knew that the world could be such a big place for Joshua. It was a world that could corrupt his innocence, and a place that could destroy every little piece of him.

And even though he was not a knight in some kind of a shining armor in the fairy tales Seungkwan would share to him sometimes - Jeonghan definitely did not know how to ride a horse and let alone carry a sword - all he knew was that he wanted to protect Joshua from the world the moment he laid his eyes on him and vowed under his breath to protect the promise he made for the other. 

When they met eyes, Jeonghan uttered out, "Wanna play with my toys?" Joshua slowly peeked out from his mother at the sudden attention, yet his small hand was still clinging to the blouse she was wearing, hesitancy and fear still present in his actions as he glanced at Jeonghan warily. They never told each other their names yet, with Joshua's family recently adjusting into their neighborhood it was hard to form a bond almost immediately but Jeonghan was no longer surprised if somehow his mom and the boy's mom became good friends that wanted their kids to meet each other and be good friends just as well.

Before the Hongs came to their house, Jeonghan's mom told him beforehand of their arrival and that Jeonghan should act his age, saying that he should be a good boy and be a good hyung. Jeonghan snorted at the warning at first and almost wanted to shake his head in disagreement, tempted to roll his eyes and tell his mom that he had always been one but his words were thrusted back into his mouth when small knocks on the door were heard and there were heavy footsteps littering just outside their doorway.

Because Jeonghan's words were not enough to convince the other boy to play with him - and he really wanted to play with him at that - the said male brushed him off with a small yet audible words of, "One second," slipping out of his mouth before dashing towards his room, grabbing all the toys he could find and reach as fast as he could. He didn't want to make Joshua wait so much in spite knowing that the said male probably didn't even want to play with him. Stuffing them all into his arms, Jeonghan ran back to the living room where his family and the Hongs were talking casually, smiles embroidering their lips that established a comforting ambiance between them. Well, everyone except the little kid who was still clutching his small fist onto his mother's side, his lips quivering and eyes gleaming with fear at the unfamiliarity. He looked like he wanted to go home.

"Joshuji!" The name fell off his lips naturally. Jeonghan honestly didn't know what dawned upon him to casually call Joshua with a simple nickname just like that because he was certainly sure that they just met ten seconds ago, and they were barely even friends, but the thought didn't matter to him anymore when the kid looked at him with big and wide eyes, confusion and in the same time wonder swirling around the chocolate orbs the other had. 

"Wanna play?" The male repeated again but this time, he placed all of the toys that he somehow managed to carry alongside with him to the ground for the other to take in and play with. He admitted, he was selfish and was not a fan of sharing his toys - mainly the reason why he and Seungcheol fight quite a lot much to everyone's expectations - but just one look from Joshua made him want to give up almost everything and just offer it all to the said male. Jeonghan realized this as he watched how interesting it was to observe Joshua's reaction, how entertaining it was to watch how Joshua's eyes left his and fell to all the toys he had in the ground, his frown disappearing and suddenly there was a small gasp that was punched out of his lungs. Jeonghan was sure that the other boy was muttering out something under his breath, possibly chanting a name silently as if it was a prayer.

There was a convincing train of thoughts that clouded Jeonghan's mind, bringing him up to the conclusion of thinking that Joshua was calling out to him shyly. The persuasive ideas caused something to blossom inside his stomach, and he couldn't point out what but the feeling dispersed into the thin air when he followed Joshua's eyes and saw what captured his attention, realizing that the other male was looking at a limited edition toy Jeonghan got as a birthday gift.

Slowly grabbing it as if he was aware of all the thoughts that were running inside the male's mind, Jeonghan then reached it out to Joshua who finally left his mother's side and was now standing not too far away from him. The male could see the restrain in Joshua's figure, the way his hands itch to hold and grab the toy from his grasp, but it seemed like his fear made him stay put and to just stare at the toy from afar unfortunately. 

Jeonghan was aware of the fact that the other male was still afraid of him, reluctant to be even near him thinking like he was one of the monsters he would dream of at night but despite this, the older was determined to be his friend; Jeonghan wanted to play with him, he wanted to be a part of Joshua's life and to protect him from any danger and harm that life would just suddenly throw up against them.

Jeonghan carefully walked towards him, his steps sometimes faltering to give Joshua the chance to run away if he wanted to but much to his expectations, the latter didn't run away and stayed instead in his spot, watching Jeonghan with anticipation blinking in his eyes. And when Jeonghan was finally in front of him, he didn't hesitate to hand it to the younger who immediately wrapped his small hand around it and emitted out a squeal with delight.

And as a smile was forming on Joshua's lips, Jeonghan vowed to keep him safe and happy. For forever and eternity.

.  
.  
.

"Cheol-hyung,"

"Yeah?"

"Why is Jeonghan-hyung sulking over there?"

Seungcheol snorted at the question, a smile gracing his lips as he pointed out to where the two best friends were at and muttered out, "Because you see, Seungkwannie, our Joshua here is talking to his new friend, Wonwoo. And because of that, he wouldn't pay attention to Jeonghan."

"Is it me or Jeonghan-hyung's jealous?" Seungkwan was not one to assume, and he also didn't like sticking up his nose to someone else's business but he couldn't stop himself from asking as he observed the unlikely sight that was unfolding out before them, and that unlikely sight was no other than Jeonghan sulking on the corner, arms folded around his chest and an unconscious pout on display, eyebrows furrowing more and more as he watched Joshua talk to someone that wasn't him.

"He's definitely jealous, alright." Seungcheol answered with a chuckle slipped out of his mouth. Seungcheol was amused at the sight before him just as well, knowing how much Jeonghan tried to prove and convince everyone how tough and strong he was but then it would only take his best friend for his walls to break and be crumbled into pieces. 

The sight was definitely entertaining - one that Seungcheol wanted to record and tease Jeonghan about - but then again he had to keep his phone tucked safely in his pocket or else he'll probably end up dead with Jeonghan feeding his intestines to the crows if the latter would ever know his objectives. Seungcheol also had to look away since the teacher decided that it was such a good day to bombard him with a lot of assignments to do, and even though the male didn't want to do it, only had the urge to play games with Seungkwan or use his phone the whole day, Seungcheol still needed to pass and that meant that he had suffer and work on his assignments unfortunately. "Look hyung! Jeonghan-hyung left and guess what, Shua-hyung followed him!"

Seungcheol hummed in response as he flipped a page in his textbook, blood threatening to flow from his nose as he did his best to revive his brain back to life and use it productively but he probably needed a few more rituals for his brain to work and help him come up with firm answers. He didn't understand anything truthfully but as long as he could pass and put down something, then that was better than nothing. "Let them be, they'll solve their own problem and maybe also fix Jeonghan's jealousy."

Jeonghan couldn't understand the emotions he was feeling. He was mad, upset and disappointed in the same time. Was this even possible? There was a storm inside his head and his heart was threatening to burst out of his chest, was he alright or should he rush to the hospital by now? Jeonghan was no longer surprised if his body would randomly decide to just collapse in the middle of afternoon and beside his best friend who was not currently paying attention to him.

His emotions were too overwhelming to the point that even Jeonghan himself couldn't lay his finger at that matter. He couldn't understand his emotions right now, so how could he expect others to understand it for him? Jeonghan wanted the grounds to open and suck him out of his misery, or he could also throw himself down a rabbit hole and to never see the daylight ever again. He couldn't understand why he wanted to steal Joshua away from that Wonwoo guy and scream to him that Joshua was his, or probably throw Wonwoo away to another country and keep his best friend all to himself but after he got himself a reality check, he remembered that Joshua didn't belong to him and was just his best friend. Joshua didn't belong to anyone, certainly not to him so why was he feeling this way?

His hands were itching to throw a punch to the guy's direction, but Jeonghan controlled himself and instead folded both of his arms together. He could've placed them in his hair but the male was afraid that he'd tug them too hard out of annoyance and then suddenly end up as a bright light bulb, so the male debated that it was rather safer for him and his hair to just fold them over his chest. Jeonghan wanted to avert his eyes at the interaction, the sight in front of him was digging up a hole in his heart and was stinging his eyes for a reason that he didn't even know what but Jeonghan couldn't find it in himself to look away, and continued to hurt himself by something that he tolerated.

When it was finally unbearable to watch the interaction, Jeonghan stood up and walked away from the two briskly with his tears threatening to fall down from his eyes, but he flickered them away with a brief brush of his thumb before curving them back into fists. He couldn't handle it anymore, the hole in his heart was so deep and he felt like he couldn't breathe. His heart would've been crushed into pieces if he stayed, and so he left. He was good at leaving anyway.

Settling himself in a bench he saw at the corner, Jeonghan grabbed some random pebbles scattered on the ground before throwing them back again vigorously, muttering out with a pout embedded on his lips, "Joshua is mine, he promised to buy me a house."

Jeonghan continued to throw them back to the ground just to pass some time and think of things he could do without requiring his best friend's presence who was obviously still talking to that Wonwoo guy - let them talk, he didn't care - only to abruptly stop in his actions when a pair of feet came to his view, yanking him out of his thoughts and temporarily made him forget the ideas that he had already formed in his mind. "Hannie?" 

"What's wrong?" Joshua continued, a frown plastering in his lips as he rushed to Jeonghan's side and held his hand, eyes pleading to tell him what after the latter refused to tell him and averted his gaze. "Hannie, tell me.'" 

Jsonghan looked at him for a moment, thoughts running all over his head as he debated whether to tell him or not. At some point, he was tempted to listen to his own thoughts and not to tell Joshua the reason why. Embarrassment was flooding his system at the realization of his sudden behavior, he was childish and immature and he didn't want to let Joshua know that but at the last minute, he succumbed to the other's pleading eyes. Jeonghan was a weak, weak man especially for Joshua and he couldn't say no to him no matter how much he would try to.

"I---" Jeonghan closed his mouth in the hopes to gather words that could probably emphasize his points, words that could potentially weave some sense and color his world alight but his mind was blank and bore no thoughts, as if all the ideas he had earlier were nothing but figments of his imaginations that would always disperse away once he was already awake. The said male bit his lips in disappointment as he looked away and darted his eyes onto a random pebble that he threw to the ground a little too vigorously earlier, his mind coming useless and failing to process out words he could've sputtered out during their shared conversation.

"Umm---"

"Yoon Jeonghan," the said male's hesitancy was somehow an enough answer for Joshua, all the latter's thoughts laced with curiosity and pleads vanishing the minute he sensed that the light question was something heavy and hard for his best friend to answer. Joshua squeezed his hand briefly and lightly, hoping for the other male to be at least comforted at the small gesture before leaving his side and crouching down in front of him with a string of sighs tumbling out of his mouth. "Are you alright?"

"You won't leave me?" Instead of gaining an answer, he was met with a question instead. 

Jeonghan wanted to look away, unwilling to gaze into his best friend's eyes that were sparkling in different kinds of emotions he wished he could've described, but he needed to know Joshua's answer no matter what. Even if he sounded childish and immature, he just had to know.

"I won't." Joshua's answer was small and brief, but it meant everything to Jeonghan. 

"Will you stay with me forever?" Jeonghan was afraid. The male harbored thoughts that would always make him believe that Joshua was going to leave him soon, and that the friendship they had was nothing but a stack of cards ready to be blown by the wind. Of course, Jeonghan knew better but he was weak and insecure. And he was afraid of losing his best friend.

No one was an exception to fear and doubts, and Jeonghan was one battling them. "I won't. I'll be eternally here, Hannie. I promise."

"Then I'm alright," Jeonghan uttered, squeezing Joshua's hand back with a smile. "When I'm with you, everything's always alright."

.  
.  
.

Maybe, everything was always not alright.

The young Yoon Jeonghan was naïve and carefree, but the older Yoon Jeonghan knew better now.

Life was unfair. And that was what he believed now.

"Hannie," a familiar voice chirmed from the door and before Jeonghan could even take off the glasses he was wearing and prepare himself for the nagging that he was about to receive, the door was burst open and revealed Joshua who was carefully holding a tray containing food and a glass of water. "What are you doing here, Joshua?" Jeonghan's intention was not to snap but to simply ask out a question, but his foul mood and the constant clench in his chest made his voice come out like a snap and a bite that Joshua visibly winced at, leading to a pained expression lighting up all over his face.

"Do you not want me to be here---" Jeonghan quickly helped his best friend put the tray down and grabbed his hand, muttering out, "I'm sorry Shua, I do want you here and I'm really really happy that you're here now but it's just that I have a bad mood nowadays and my chest is painful. I feel like my lungs are being squeezed together or something like that but I'm okay."

"I know," Joshua sighed. "Wonwoo told me about it and here, drink this to soothe the pain." The male picked up a small pill that was buried down a clean tissue that kept it safe as well as the glass of water he prepared before handing them out to Jeonghan who gratefully accepted it.

"Thanks Shua," Jeonghan murmured out after he drank the medicine down, feeling the pain easing out a little and the constant clench in his chest disappearing slowly but he failed to stop a few little coughs from coming out of his mouth - coughs that were too harsh and hard that Jeonghan couldn't stop himself from curving his hand into a fist and then slamming it to the table a little too hard, Joshua flinching in surprise as a result. "Jeonghan?"

"N-no, no, i-it's okay," Jeonghan was far from okay, could barely even maintain his balance with the amount of coughs that was punctured out of his lungs but he had to pretend that he was fine for Joshua. He had to, he needed to, even if the slight attack drained out every bit of his energy that could've built up words afterwards. When Jeonghan was sure that he can finally manage out words without slurring or muffling them in the end, he murmured out with a slight smile plastered on his lips, convincing Joshua and himself that, "they're just coughs, Shua."

"Are you sure, Han?" Joshua questioned, but it was a question that even Jeonghan himself didn't know the answer. All he could do was beam at his best friend, hoping that it was convincing enough to ease his worries. "I'm sure."

Joshua sighed afterwards, and Jeonghan wasn't sure if it was because he was relieved or disappointed. He was a little too late to gather his thoughts altogether and let all them roam free because he was already being dragged to bed by no other Joshua Hong. There were a string of reasons escaping out of Jeonghan's mouth as he tried to stop Joshua from dragging him to the bed, vehemently telling the latter that he still had a ton of assignments and projects to do - heck, he even had a test tomorrow - but Joshua wouldn't budge in his decision and was even scarier that the nightmares Jeonghan would sometimes have at night.

"No," Joshua spoke firmly, sounding like there was more to his sentence. There were probably threats and warnings coated in his words but Jeonghan knew better that they held nothing and were empty like his wallet that was crying on the corner. "You're going to rest whether you like it or not, Jeonghan." 

"You need to rest too, you know?" Jeonghan couldn't give out his response to Joshua's question because the former was already being tucked into his bed with his favorite blanket and his favorite pillow. "I know you're busy, but you're tired as well. You won't be able to finish all your projects and receive information good enough to pass your test if you have a tired and overworked brain. I'm doing this for you Hannie, please take care of yourself. I worry about you too." 

Seeing this as a chance to persuade Joshua again accompanying it with a gentle promise to take care of himself better at the end of his monologue, Jeonghan was ready to part his mouth slightly and release out words that could hopefully convince the other male and change his decision but out of all times, and life's perfect timing, Joshua just had to walk away that exact moment and dash towards the restroom.

Jeonghan could only let out a sigh in the end. The said male knew that he could just ignore his best friend's words and stubbornly continue his work despite having Joshua's nagging in the background but when he attempted to rise up, Jeonghan released out a groan and suddenly he was in pain. He was feeling hot all of a sudden, and everything around him was spinning.

"Jeonghan?" The said male could hear his best friend's voice faintly but he was not in the right mind to completely process it. He was already done using the restroom? "Hannie, are you okay? Oh my go--" The next thing Jeonghan knew was that he succumbed to the darkness, and along that void of unconsciousness, there was something that bloomed in his chest.

When Jeonghan woke up a few hours later, he was still burning hot like he was being fried in hell but this time, his head was no longer spinning and the pain was a little more bearable at least. His chest clenched again, resulting to a batch of coughs being thrown out of his mouth but Jeonghan managed to regain his breathing and stabled his condition temporarily in the end.

The male figured that it was probably nighttime already, the questions running all over his head given an answer as his gaze gravitated towards the open window that illuminated the moon's light, feeding him an assumption that it was still not too far off from midnight. Jeonghan attempted to rise up from his bed to do his works but then his eyes fell to the sight of the tray Joshua brought for him earlier perched on top of his table, causing a chain reaction of his stomach chiming in announcement and forgetting all of the tasks that he still had to do. 

Jeonghan moved from his bed with his hand hovering over his chest, it was as if something was growing inside of him that was causing the slight pain and the discomfort that he was feeling but the male disregarded the idea as a figment of his imagination, it was probably the effect of staying awake too much and missing out his precious sleep because of his projects.

Jeonghan gritted his teeth as a hiss slipped out of his mouth, the coldness that the floor provided was something that caught him off of his guard. It was getting too cold and the said male needed to shut his window or else he'd probably freeze himself to death and snag a one-way ticket to the underworld. Jeonghan darted towards window with a tight hold on the blanket wrapped around him, immediately closing it the second his hands managed to find their way to its handle.

He grabbed the burger that was on the tray afterwards, a smile curving to his lips at the thought of his best friend leaving it for him to consume but Jeonghan was snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of his stomach threatening to burst in anger, the need to eat growing stronger at every second that was passing by but before he could even part his mouth open and take a bite, a soft snore that was barely even audible to one's ear filled the quiet room and halted Jeonghan in his movement.

The male placed back the burger on the plate before turning around, trying to find the source of the small noise from his room. Last time Jeonghan checked, his house was definitely not haunted. Everything was dark and dim but it didn't take a second for his question to be given an answer, and for his eyes to see the young male who was sleeping peacefully on his bed. How did Jeonghan not notice him? A curse was punctured out of Jeonghan's lungs as he gazed at Joshua who stayed behind and laid beside the former despite knowing that he was feeling under the blue. "Idiot," the male mumbled under his breath. "You're going to get sick as well, why did you have to stay?"

Jeonghan muttered out in spite of knowing that his best friend was fast asleep and was not conscious enough to give a response to his question. Jeonghan leaned closer to where Joshua was but maintained his distance carefully as he didn't want the latter to get sick and be affected by his presence. Slowly, he rose his finger and tenderly traced Joshua's jawline and the bridge of his nose before stroking his best friend's cheek, a sigh coming out of his mouth as a result.

And just like that, Jeonghan was bombarded with a lot of thoughts that reminded him all the things Joshua did for him, how the latter made him happy and took care of him even though it was supposed to be the other way around _(Jeonghan even promised it himself)_. He thought of all the jokes Joshua uttered out and his silly actions that weren't even funny but it made Jeonghan's chest feel warm and he'd always laugh out in the end even if it was corny and stupid. Jeonghan thought of how Joshua would always text him if he was resting and eating properly, and how he'd always pay a visit to make sure that he really was in spite of their schedules not sharing the same harmony.

Jeonghan thought of how Joshua never left him, how the latter had always been at his side ever since they were kids, and how he was always there even if the former was at his worst and darkest moments as well as his brightest and happiest days.

Jeonghan's heart fluttered, but something also blossomed inside of him.

Before the male knew it, he suddenly had the urge to throw up and felt sick. Jeonghan didn't hesitate to move from his spot and dash towards his restroom, puking immediately the moment his hand clutched around the toilet bowl for support. Jeonghan's eyes were shut tightly as he felt his strength and energy leave him once again.

And when he opened his eyes, tears flowed out. Jeonghan coughed again, but a petal left his mouth instead.

.  
.  
.

He was suffering from the hanahaki disease, suffering from a one-sided love with his best friend.

Life was truly unfair.

.  
.  
.

It was hard to ignore Joshua, because the said male was always there. It was hard to ignore the pain in his chest, but now Jeonghan knew it was because of the flowers that found solace in his lungs. It was hard to breathe, but it was also hard for him to tell Joshua what he truly felt for him.

When Jeonghan finally understood, he wanted to laugh but all he did was cry and scream in spite of the pain he was feeling. He didn't know how much petals he would throw up everyday, but the male knew that they were slowly growing inside and that he was growing weaker every single day.

Jeonghan would try to put on a convincing smile every time Joshua was around, the former didn't want his best friend to worry about him and especially feel guilty if he knew of the truth. And thankfully, life was at Jeonghan's side for once as Joshua didn't question why he would always have a scarf wrapped around his neck almost all of the time but even if he would, then Jeonghan would let out an excuse saying that the weather was too cold for him to handle. Although it was partly true, Jeonghan in reality didn't want Joshua to see the trail of visible vines and roots that were slowly bruising his skin, as well as the thorns that were puncturing the life and air out of his lungs gradually.

The roots were growing, he could feel them, every time he would move but he kept his silence. 

Joshua was never there every time Jeonghan would throw up another batch of petals. Whether it was because of luck or life's perfect timing as a way to apologize to him for being so unfair and cruel, Jeonghan was glad that his best friend wouldn't be able to see and know the torture that he was going through. Joshua didn't deserve that.

Even though Joshua was the reason why Jeonghan was suffering terribly.

In spite of this, Jeonghan never blamed him. Jeonghan blamed himself for falling in love, but did he regret it? 

No, he didn't.

It was not hard to love Joshua, despite the circumstances and their friendship at risk, Jeonghan still fell in love. And in the same time, it was also hard to forget his feelings for the other.

Jeonghan was not stupid. He knew that Joshua already noticed the drastic change in his behavior, noticing how weak he was now and his loss of appetite despite being an avid lover of food but didn't question it, and for that, Jeonghan was grateful. 

Although Jeonghan was no longer sure if he should stand by his words now because his best friend would never leave him alone anymore. Jeonghan was supposed to forget him and erase the harboring feelings he had for his best friend but how could he when he had Joshua revolving pretty much around him, always making sure that Jeonghan would rest well and eat properly. Joshua would always give him medicine every single day to ease and soothe the pain he was feeling as well as preparing him tea and herbal drinks that certainly made things harder for Jeonghan to forget him.

Jeonghan was not only stupid, but he was also in love. Despite how weak he was, he forced himself to stand up and see the performance that his best friend had always been excited for, always telling Jeonghan snippets of his days through their video call whenever he couldn't come by, and would always tell Jeonghan how he practiced well and made sure to exceed everyone's expectations. Jeonghan wished he could've seen how Joshua practiced every day instead of being confined in a small box that he called as his room, surrounded by boxes of tissues, a wet blanket and a silver bucket underneath his bed.

Jeonghan wanted to tell Joshua that he had always made everyone proud - made _him_ proud - but all Jeonghan could muster out in the end was a fit of coughs and strained hums.

Jeonghan was hopelessly in love with his best friend.

And Joshua would never know his feelings.

When his performance ended, Jeonghan was flushed with the yearn to rush to Joshua's side and give him one big hug - one that didn't need words for Joshua to know how proud Jeonghan was for him - but when the two met eyes, the flowers abruptly erupted inside of him that exact moment and sent him to the state of wanting to throw up again.

Jeonghan's mind was full of relief thanking that he was at least familiar enough with the place to be able to locate the restroom, and once he closed the door, his hands immediately latched onto the bowl and held on for dear life as he threw up and let his energy and strength be sucked out of him once again.

Tiredly, Jeonghan fell to the floor and wiped away the saliva that was drooling on the corners of his lips but his eyes widened at the sight of the petals being coated with his blood. He never threw up petals with his blood painted on them for once, but it didn't take Jeonghan a second for him to understand that his situation was worsening each day and that the flowers might be fully bloomed the next month. He couldn't stop shaking even.

"Hannie?" Jeonghan snapped his head to the side so quick it made him dizzy for a second, his eyes widening at the sight of a teary-eyed Joshua watching him helplessly, his eyes stretched across the petals he threw up before meeting his gaze again. "Jeonghan?"

Jeonghan cursed himself for not locking the door. "S-shua."

"Jeonghan, why?!" Before Jeonghan could even reply to Joshua's words, unsure if he could even answer that question to himself, Joshua lunged towards him and hugged him tightly. "Jeonghan, not you, please." Tears were falling from Joshua's eyes and trailed their way down to Jeonghan's shirt, but the latter was too busy crying for him to even notice it.

"Just please, not you, why?!" Joshua screamed, and Jeonghan shut his eyes tight at the pain he was feeling - the ache on his heart, and the flowers blooming in his chest. "Who is it? Who did this to you?!"

Jeonghan didn't respond.

"Who did you fall in love with, Jeonghan? Let me talk to her! Why did she do this to you?!" 

He didn't respond.

"Hannie please, tell me who. Tell me who, please."

_You._

_Always you._

"Jeonghan, stay, please stay."

_I wish I could. For forever and eternity._

"Jeonghan," the said male met the eyes of his best friend that were boring deeply into his, eyes filled with so much pain and sorrow that Jeonghan just wanted the world - life itself - to be fair to him for once and allow him to stay. Allow Jeonghan to just love Joshua eternally. "Are you alright?"

"No." That was Jeonghan's response. "I'm not alright."

.  
.  
.

Jeonghan realized that he never knew what the flowers were and their precious meaning.

Jeonghan was no longer throwing up petals anymore, they were finally full bloomed flowers that were so beautiful, yet painted with his blood and the reason why it was so hard for him to breathe. They were in full bloom that Jeonghan could finally know what kind of flowers they were. 

Despite the clenching of his chest and the thorns of the flowers poking his lungs and roots growing all over his chest, Jeonghan did his best to swallow down another batch of flowers that threatened to cut out his lifeline but his attempt resulted him to cough up blood to the floor, thorns pricking and scraping his throat as if it were a warning and a punishment.

Placing a hand to his chest, Jeonghan gathered all the strength and energy he had left before standing up from the floor, not wanting to succumb to the disease but at the end of each day, Jeonghan was still human. 

Jeonghan was stupid, in love, and weak. 

Jeonghan failed to maintain his balance and fell to the floor once again.

Tears were stinging in Jeonghan's eyes and caused his vision to blur. In the midst of the pain, his mind kept screaming at him, asking him why won't he just have the surgery and remove the flowers that were scattering along inside his lungs but his heart gave an answer back.

Jeonghan tried to blink back his tears away and stop himself from crying but in the end, all he could do was cry as he threw up the batch of flowers that he swallowed down the past moment, being far too weak to be able to hold them in and ignore the stinging pain. When he fluttered his eyes back open, despite the blurriness, Jeonghan could recognize the flower as a primrose. It was a flower that Joshua found and gave to him once when they were still kids. And when he searched the meaning of the flowers that night, when he recovered a little and slowly had his strength back, all Jeonghan could do was chuckle bitter-sweetly and cry at how life was truly unfair.

_Primrose. Eternal love._

Within that same moment, Jeonghan realized that he had always been in love with Joshua. Ever since they were kids, he disregarded the feeling and thought of it as admiration or the urge to protect him but he pondered about it now and understood that it was more than that. That Jeonghan loved Joshua not in the way that he wanted his best friend to find a wife, but loved him in the way that he wanted to be Joshua's husband. 

Jeonghan spent his whole life loving Joshua. And did he regret it? No, he'll still choose to fall for Joshua for the second time even if his love would cost him his life.

Jeonghan would still love Joshua eternally, despite knowing that this love would consume him.

Jeonghan would still love Joshua eternally, in spite of knowing the ending already.

.  
.  
.

A lot of people would question him why wouldn't he just get the surgery.

Jeonghan knew why, but he kept his silence.

Even to Joshua himself, Jeonghan didn't say anything.

"Jeonghan," the said male could hear the pain that was laced in Joshua's voice and how he wanted Jeonghan to look at him with the way he held his hand but Jeonghan didn't move in his spot and chose not to spare his best friend a glance, eyes fixed entirely to the wall in front of them, knowing well that Joshua would just try and convince him again to have the surgery for the hundredth time. "Please, please...." The male tried to ignore Joshua, tried to pretend that his best friend wasn't there and that Jeonghan should just try to focus on his breathing but it wasn't an easy thing to do - to ignore the person that his heart was calling for and the same person that his lungs was growing flowers for. 

Jeonghan swallowed down a snort as well as the flowers at that certain thought, convinced that there must be a garden or even a sanctuary now surrounding his respiratory system. The flowers were fully grown, Jeonghan believed, as the roots attached and thorns were spikier and sharper than ever. Heck, the male could even prepare himself a bouquet with the amount of flowers that would always threaten to burst out of his throat every single day.

Every time Jeonghan would move, the thorns were like daggers, slicing his lungs open causing him to be trapped every day in his room with two buckets right beside his bed whenever he would feel like throwing up or if he needed to pee and discharge all the waste he had inside his body.

Jeonghan was human. He was stupid, in love, weak and pathetic.

Jeonghan was excused from his school ever since he became too weak to even stand up (or more like, drop out in all honesty) and this time, he felt like his school was already prepared to send out their condolences and attend his funeral with the way he kept refusing to undergo surgery and remove the flowers that were loitering in his lungs.

Seungcheol and Seungkwan would try to cheer him up but sometimes, their attempts would only end up with him crying his heart out for the thousandth time. Wonwoo and Joshua would always bring him food and help him eat but Jeonghan truly had no appetite. He felt sad for them as well. Was Jeonghan selfish? Was he selfish for wanting to keep his feelings for Joshua? Was he selfish for loving him? Jeonghan could end all the torture he was going through, as well as end how his friends were suffering because of him if he would just undergo surgery, but he didn't want to. Jeonghan didn't want to lose his feelings for Joshua. He also knew that Joshua only saw him as his best friend and the brother he never had, it was impossible for his best friend to reciprocate his feelings, leaving him with only the option to undergo surgery. "Hannie, please, please, please, please...."

"What?" He croaked out, voice almost coming out as an inaudible whisper. It was low and hoarse, but Joshua heard him fine.

"Please, get the surgery. Please, Jeonghan. Do it for me, if you don't want to do it, then for me. I'm sorry for being selfish but I don't want you to leave, please Han. I don't want you to leave me. The person you're in love with is not worthy of you so forget them and just live. Forget them Jeonghan and just get surgery, please."

If Jeonghan could just shout, then he would've. If he could just tell Joshua, he would've. But instead, flowers came out of his mouth instead of words. 

Jeonghan forgot most of his days, getting more forgetful than ever and the pain he was feeling was more than enough for him to forget his surroundings and rest of the world.

Jeonghan must've agreed at some point because here he was now, lying on the hospital bed while waiting to be taken to the operating room. 

Joshua was beside him, his hand wrapped around his as he reassured the male that he was not going anywhere. 

Joshua's soft touches and his fingers that were curving and carving different kinds of shapes on his hand seemed to calm the former down a bit at the thought of having his feelings being taken away but then his heart went wild and made him remember that Joshua will never know his feelings for him if he wouldn't confess to him for the last time.

And it was already the last time.

There were no more chances and opportunities to tell his feelings if Jeonghan would let this one final moment go.

Just like how he was letting his feelings go.

Even though he was a coward and wanted to just keep his feelings a secret, Joshua needed to know. "Shua?"

"Yes, Hannie?"

"Y-you asked me why I didn't want to get t-the surgery b-before," Jeonghan waited for Joshua to hum in agreement before continuing his words, another batch of flowers making their way up to his throat but he swallowed them down and denied their entrance for the last time, his chest filled with determination to let his best friend know how he truly felt for him. Jeonghan prayed to life to let him have this moment if he couldn't get to keep his feelings and for once, it felt like life listened to his plea for silencing the flowers he had on his lungs. "You w-wanna know why?"

"Why?" Joshua looked at him, and Jeonghan couldn't stop a tear from falling out of his eye. "It's because i-it's you."

"I am i-in love with you," Jeonghan continued with more tears streaming down his face. "I-I never g-got to tell you my feelings, and it's you why I'm g-growing these flowers. If I won't tell you now, t-then y-you will never k-know, Joshua."

"Jeonghan..." The said male refused to meet his gaze as he knew that Joshua never felt the same, removing his hand that was once laced to Joshua's and fiddled with his instead, playing with them as his heart thumped fast against his chest and the flowers still silent at his confession. Jeonghan didn't expect an answer, clearly not anticipating one as he was bound to have removed his feelings in just a few more minutes but it was still painful. 

"I d-don't want to l-lose, Shua. I don't w-want to lose m-my love and my f-feelings for you. I don't w-want to forget the feeling of what it's like to love you, a-and I don't want to forget loving you. I m-might lose everything, but please, c-can you hold everything for me? Can I b-be selfish for once? Can you h-hold my memories? Do it for me Joshuji, because I'm doing this for you. Please r-remember the love I once had for you."

Joshua was staring at him with emotions that Jeonghan wished he could decipher. Silence enveloped them, and Jeonghan wasn't sure if it was laced with tension or comfort but before Joshua could even respond and break the atmosphere that was surrounding them, a few nurses suddenly appeared out of the blue and announced to them that everything was ready and prepared, and that the surgery will begin any minute. 

Jeonghan nodded at their words. 

The nurses came to their direction and were about to carry the male to the operating room until Jeonghan stopped them the last minute.

Meeting Joshua's eyes for the last time, looking at him with love and affection for the final time, Jeonghan uttered out with his heart up on his sleeves and flowers bursting in his lungs. For the first and the last time. "Joshua Hong, I love you."

He heard Joshua shout his name, but Jeonghan didn't look back. Not even a glance.

While he was slowly being carried to the operating room, Jeonghan heaved out a deep sigh before fluttering his eyes closed, an onslaught of memories and images of Joshua's face flashing on his mind. Jeonghan remembered Joshua's giggles, his sparkling eyes, his charming smile... just everything about his best friend whom he loved so much. The male was unaware that he was smiling at his own thoughts, thoughts that he wanted to keep forever and remember for the rest of his life but they all faded away at the sound of a door closing behind him, signalling him of a new journey that he was about to take on.

Jeonghan's feelings would be gone tomorrow. His feelings for Joshua would disappear, along with the flowers if everything went well. Jeonghan would forget the feeling of loving Joshua, of what it was like to love someone that much, of what it was like to love Joshua Hong. But at least in the end, Joshua got to know the feelings Jeonghan once had for him.

At least in the end, Jeonghan managed to have the courage to say it. The three words that his heart desperately tried to say and the three words that were always stuck on his lungs, the same lungs where the primrose grew and resided. 

He would no longer have the chance to say it anymore. Jeonghan would forget how and what the words mean for him, and forget the love and power that they hold. He would no longer say it to the person he loved the most. 

Jeonghan would forget. 

The words wouldn't matter to him anymore, as well as the feelings. Even though the person he wanted to tell them to wasn't there, Jeonghan muttered out for the last time. "I l-love you, Joshua."

Jeonghan felt the lights flash before him and before the male knew it, he completely succumbed to the darkness once more.

The three words disappeared.

Jeonghan's feelings did too.

A small petal fell, as well as a tear.

.  
.  
.

A groan slipped out of Jeonghan's mouth.

The said male slowly opened his eyes, only to be almost blinded by the light that came through from the window just right beside him. He shut them for a brief second, only to flutter them back when the male heard faint sounds coming from the doorway that gave way for curiosity to arrive. He tried to sit up and find out who, the curiosity boiling inside of him was something that was hard to ignore, like it was rather a temptation that could drive away his sanity if he continued to ignore it but all his thoughts left his mind when nothing but pain shot his body and multiple groans left his mouth.

The pain he was feeling was mild and bearable, but it was something that caught him off of his guard and unprepared. Jeonghan realized his body felt strange and also realized that he was in a hospital. Did he get operated? Was he sick? He tried to think hard and dwell back in his past but he couldn't recall anything. His memories were hazy and blurry, it was as if he forgot everything that happened before he was lying in the hospital bed.

Jeonghan didn't know why but he felt somehow different. He felt weak. It was like something important was taken away from him. It was something he didn't want to be taken away of, as if it was something as precious as his own dear life.

Before he could gather all the thoughts he had inside his head and make them all make sense, a small voice slid him back to reality. Jeonghan tilted his head to the side and released out a breath he didn't know he was holding at the sight of Joshua slowly awakening, rubbing his fists on his eyes as he let out a yawn. Maybe not all of his memories faded away because he could still remember Joshua, but why did Jeonghan feel that there was something truly missing? And that he was forgetting something important?

When Joshua blinked his eyes and seemed like he was fully awake, he cocked his head to the side and breathed out his name hesitantly, as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Jeonghan?"

As Jeonghan stared at his best friend, he was swarmed with emotions that he himself couldn't describe. The male couldn't put his finger on it and understand the strange emotions he was feeling, his mind spinning at the thought he kept on digging and processing. "Jeonghan," he repeated and there were now tears forming on Joshua's eyes, and Jeonghan watched them all drop from his cheeks one by one but looked away the moment he felt a warm hand wrap around his. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," the words sounded wrong and bitter on Jeonghan's tongue, "I'm alright."

Unbeknownst to Jeonghan's knowledge that there was a letter tucked inside Joshua's pocket, a letter that held a lot of lingering feelings, and a letter that had heartfelt words along with now distant memories.

The words that Jeonghan himself had written for his best friend, but it seemed like his memories disappeared along with the flowers and the feelings that he once harbored for Joshua.

_Dear Joshuji,_

_First of all, I wanna say sorry for being such a coward and for not being able to tell you how much I love you. Or I guess, loved at this point. I really don't wanna write this because that means I'm going to go through the surgery and that also means I'm going to lose all of my feelings but this is what you wanted right? I could never say no to you, Shua. I hope you're happy, and I hope that I also managed to tell you how much I loved you by the time you read this._

_And if you're truly reading this now, then that means that little brat who goes by the name of Wonwoo exposed me and gave this to you. Yes, I probably would've kept you from seeing this letter just like how I kept away my feelings for you but if the surgery is unsuccessful, then can you kick his butt for me? For exposing me like this and giving away the letter without my permission._

_I'm kidding Joshuji, I'm kidding._

_But I wouldn't mind though if you truly did kick his butt - I mean that brat made me feel jealous all the time! - but then again, you were not mine to begin with. I had no right to. I'm just your best friend, your best friend who loved you all of his life._

_I'm not scared of the surgery Joshua, if you ask me. What I'm scared of actually? I'm scared to lose all the feelings that I have for you. Even though you're the reason why I grew all these beautiful flowers in my lungs, I don't regret anything. I don't regret falling in love with you. And I don't regret you._

_I spent almost all of my life with you Shua, whether it'd be my darkest days or brightest moments, you were always there. Falling for you is as easy as breathing, and I fall for you every single day along with the flowers that are scattering and growing inside my lungs. Ironic, isn't it?_

_Everyone kept pestering me to do it - to just surrender and undergo the surgery so that I could live longer - but I don't want to lose my feelings, Joshua. I don't want to lose what it's like to love you, I don't want to forget what it's like to love you and I don't want to forget the way I love you. I don't want to lose them Shua, but you yourself convinced and persuaded me to have the surgery, and I could never say no to you. That's how much I love you. I'm sorry. How much I loved you._

_I don't know what would happen after the doors close, Shua. The surgery could fail, or I'll successfully lose all my feelings along with the flowers and probably my memories, but even if it things will not go as planned and I might die, just remember that I once loved you, and that I never regretted you._

_So don't blame yourself, alright? You have nothing to be guilty of. I fell for you, my heart chose you, so please don't be sad. It makes me sad too._

_If I could keep my feelings, will you let me? Will you let me keep the feelings I have for you, Joshua? Will you just let me love you silently just like how I loved you all my life?_

_But even if I will no longer have feelings for you, that the love I have for you will disappear along with the flowers, my heart will always be yours. No matter what, it'll always be yours in a way. It has always been yours, and not even a surgical operation can take it away from you._

_I might forget, my mind might forget, but my heart in its own little strange way will always be yours. Eternally._

_I loved you, I love you, and my heart will always love you._

_Eternally yours,_

_Yoon Jeonghan_


End file.
